Back in IT

I feel like I am letting myself down in every way right now. I haven't posted in almost a week, after promising to blog "nearly" every day. I haven't stopped eating crap, even though I have a wedding coming up in a few weeks and I had promised myself I would look "smashing" at the event. I went home for Grandpa's funeral and I let the family take over, putting me in my usual silent caretaker role. As a result, I am exhausted, depleted, and snotty. My eyes hurt, my head hurts. I feel like ass, both inside and out.

I just got up from blogging to look out the window at a beautiful day I have yet to partake in. Two ladies were jogging by with their baby joggers. A few seconds later, two more biked by, chatting and looking supremely healthy. And here I am, my ragged ass is wearing a sweater and fleece pants because it is cold and dark inside. And, I have diarrhea.

I feel like I need a kick in the pants, but I am unable to give it to myself. Last night I told Rick I am having trouble finishing my work, even though I don't have much right now. (Yet another reason for feeling like ass--no work = no money = lots and lots of fear and no self-esteem, at least for me!) He told me that this sounds familiar and that it's a good sign. It means a transformation is taking place. Somewhere in the dark crevices of my wallowing soul I'd like to find hope. I sure want him to be right. Ah, but let me be specific. As long as it is a positive transformation. I can barely remember what it felt like to be pretty. To feel confident in my work. To think I am the shiznet and there is nobody better. I have no idea how to get that back, but god I really do need it! At least today. Talk to me tomorrow, perhaps it will be better. :)