Well, now I am itchy and hot. Either I had gotten poison oak prior to the spa day and all the detox at the spa somehow allowed it to break out, or the whole float thing was not such a great idea! My chin is dry and bumpy and my shoulders and neck are constantly screaming for scratches. Oh, and my nose has been dripping saline water for two days.
With my body feeling this way, I am having a really hard time hanging on to that awe-inspiring feeling of having my eyes open when I thought they were shut. I came home full of energy and inspiration. And, now, just two days later even writing the blog seems like an effort. Obviously I am not the "new" person I thought I would be. Or, am I? I mean, I AM still writing even though it required effort. And I had a really nice day today, I smiled a lot. I am trying hard not to criticize myself for all this and just let it be. I am also trying not to make hot chocolate. But in the end I think that one will be a losing battle!
Seeking enlightenment is tough business...
Monday, March 31, 2008
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Sensory Deprivation Tank
I have taken myself to a spa. I know, I know, I can't afford it. But I felt like I needed something to help me kick start my journey. So here I am. I sweated, I've been massaged and pampered, and I floated. Yes, floated.
When I booked my day I was pretty nervous about the floating thing. The ad says to "float effortlessly in an Epsom salt solution for the ultimate relaxation experience." It also asked me when the last time the weight of the world felt like a feather. Um, that would be probably never! So I figured this is GOOD. A light-free, soundproof room with a buoyant, 93.5 degree pool of salty water that makes you feel "weightless." Just the thing to clear the demons out of my head and get on with it already!
The funny thing is, in floating in the "warm, weightless" pool, I have never felt so heavy. I also felt cold. My boobs were exposed to the air and all I wanted was a blankie to cover myself with. I thought about putting a towel over myself but then I figured that would ruin the whole sensory deprivation thing. The idea is to relieve yourself of all external sensory stimulants and GO INWARD. The spa owner told me that many people feel claustrophobic the first time. She suggested perhaps music or a guided meditation. I didn't take her up on it. It's time to be my own guide I think. And my secret hope was that I would find amazing guidance inside myself--although, going into the whole thing I had honestly expected that perhaps a shark would materialize out of the ethers and eat me (I am irrationally afraid of sharks in any body of water). But that didn't happen. Instead I felt this enormous weight beneath me, anchoring my body down. But I stayed. For an hour. And the fear I'd been expecting to rise up and force me to open the chamber door and let some light in NEVER came.
Then a strange thing happened. In the middle of my time--or some time in the hour I don't really know when--I realized my eyes were open. It was the oddest sensation. I had closed them. And I had believed them closed as I drifted around with my anchor in the darkness. But, somewhere even as I felt weighty and present, I must have drifted into an altered state of consciousness. And as I shifted back into my body for a moment, I realized my eyes were open, staring at vast nothingness. Had I been blinking? I don't really know! My eyes didn't feel dry. What did I see? NOTHING. It was as if I were staring at the back of my closed eyelids. But beyond that, it was like I had been asleep. Because, at least for me, when I close my eyes awake I see dancing pinpoints of light and color. But now I saw only inky nothingness.
I have no idea what happened to me. I don't know if you'd call me a CHANGED person after this one little experience. But, I learned something new about myself. I am not as fearful as I thought I was. I stayed in the dark pool for an hour, no anxiety attacks, no irrational fears about a shark beneath me, none of that. I am STRONG!
And, I am definitely coming back! This time I seemed to have reached a state of nothingness. Pretty good progress for me I think. Maybe next time I'll get to a heightened awareness of somethingness!
When I booked my day I was pretty nervous about the floating thing. The ad says to "float effortlessly in an Epsom salt solution for the ultimate relaxation experience." It also asked me when the last time the weight of the world felt like a feather. Um, that would be probably never! So I figured this is GOOD. A light-free, soundproof room with a buoyant, 93.5 degree pool of salty water that makes you feel "weightless." Just the thing to clear the demons out of my head and get on with it already!
The funny thing is, in floating in the "warm, weightless" pool, I have never felt so heavy. I also felt cold. My boobs were exposed to the air and all I wanted was a blankie to cover myself with. I thought about putting a towel over myself but then I figured that would ruin the whole sensory deprivation thing. The idea is to relieve yourself of all external sensory stimulants and GO INWARD. The spa owner told me that many people feel claustrophobic the first time. She suggested perhaps music or a guided meditation. I didn't take her up on it. It's time to be my own guide I think. And my secret hope was that I would find amazing guidance inside myself--although, going into the whole thing I had honestly expected that perhaps a shark would materialize out of the ethers and eat me (I am irrationally afraid of sharks in any body of water). But that didn't happen. Instead I felt this enormous weight beneath me, anchoring my body down. But I stayed. For an hour. And the fear I'd been expecting to rise up and force me to open the chamber door and let some light in NEVER came.
Then a strange thing happened. In the middle of my time--or some time in the hour I don't really know when--I realized my eyes were open. It was the oddest sensation. I had closed them. And I had believed them closed as I drifted around with my anchor in the darkness. But, somewhere even as I felt weighty and present, I must have drifted into an altered state of consciousness. And as I shifted back into my body for a moment, I realized my eyes were open, staring at vast nothingness. Had I been blinking? I don't really know! My eyes didn't feel dry. What did I see? NOTHING. It was as if I were staring at the back of my closed eyelids. But beyond that, it was like I had been asleep. Because, at least for me, when I close my eyes awake I see dancing pinpoints of light and color. But now I saw only inky nothingness.
I have no idea what happened to me. I don't know if you'd call me a CHANGED person after this one little experience. But, I learned something new about myself. I am not as fearful as I thought I was. I stayed in the dark pool for an hour, no anxiety attacks, no irrational fears about a shark beneath me, none of that. I am STRONG!
And, I am definitely coming back! This time I seemed to have reached a state of nothingness. Pretty good progress for me I think. Maybe next time I'll get to a heightened awareness of somethingness!
Friday, March 28, 2008
In the Beginning
My first post. I am nervous, do I sound it? I don't want to come off like a whiny bitch. The whole goal of this thing is to dump that! But to do so I think I have to be honest. Which sucks.
So, here's the thing. I have two months' worth of money left in the bank and no real job prospects. I look at myself in the mirror and I am a fat, wrinkled 34-year-old with a huge scar down my protruding belly. I have no permanent home, no white picket fence and no 2.5 kids. The bleakness of life overwhelms me and sucks me further into darkness on a daily basis. I seem to be unable to hold on to the beauty that surrounds me. I get fleeting glimpses and touches, but then I drift back into my hole. At this point, either I throw in the towel or grab my lovehandles and actually TRY living my dreams for a change. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong? I used to laugh all the time. I used to be fearless. I used to be free. After listening to me whine and cry for like the millionth time, my husband the other day told me that my problem is that I have no faith. I am FAITHLESS. I do not believe that I will be provided for. Therefore, I struggle and struggle and prove my own beliefs. It is is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It pissed me off but--like most things that come out of the Ricktator's mouth--it's true. I have always relied on myself, and not in a positive, small-town-girl-makes-good kind of a way. I take crappy jobs to make ends meet and I kick and whine constantly, even though I am to blame. I am scared to attempt anything above and beyond because not only am I afraid to fail but I am even more afraid to lose my dreams. In my silly world it is better to have dreams than to fail and have none, so I must keep them unattainable and out of reach in order to worship them. But I am TIRED. And I am ready to give up on this stupid way of being. It seems like it takes more energy to stay afloat than it should. I espouse all sorts of things to others but I secretly live in the opposite fashion. If I truly believe that the universe will provide and the law of attraction rules like I say I do, it is time to test the theory! I think....
After Rick called me out, I went to the beach and talked to the universe about my situation. Usually when I do this, I ask for a sign. So, I did. I asked the beach gods to show me an abalone shell if I am on the right track. Specifically I said: "if I am supposed to write my stories and make lots of money from them, send me a shell." Not two minutes later I looked down and there it was. An abalone shell. But here's the kicker--it was no bigger than my finger! Obviously meant for me, it was virtually impossible to see this teeniest, tiniest, luminescent shell among the rocks and sand on the beach. Nobody else would have spotted it. But I asked for it and I received it. The gods were having fun with me, I thought. They sent me a baby shell to match my baby spark of hope. Proved the law of attraction? Maybe. Nurture it, Rick said, see there's hope! Sure, I answered and I smiled blandly. But, could I sustain the spark? Did I really believe? Truth be told, not really. I was still scared to death that two months from now, I will be the dirty girl on the side of the road in Arcata with my poor dog on a rope, begging for change. Maybe by then I will have a nasty meth habit and some missing teeth, who knows? The thought made me grumpier than usual and forced me to drink hot chocolate all night long. Which of course makes me fatter. And then even more grumpy...why do I even ask for signs?
The next day I returned to the beach, once more in a downtrodden state of "Poor me, why is this happening to me? blah, blah, blah..." the tiny shell pretty much forgotten about. I asked again. Will I be ok? Should I really give it up to a higher power? Am I an idiot? This time, I looked down at my feet and there was another shell, ever-so-slightly bigger than the last. So, this is how I am taking it--either the universe wanted to let me know that yes, I am an idiot, or that I really need to LISTEN. In my heart I know the answer. And, no, it is not that I am an idiot!
And so we come to this, the beginning of my journey. Starting with this blog I am opening myself up to the universe. It occurred to me that I spend a lot of time asking for things. But, I brush them off as nothing once I get them! So, the experiment is to learn to LISTEN to and FOLLOW the universe. GO WITH THE FLOW instead of struggling upstream. I pledge from here on, for at least one year, I will make every and all effort to change my ways. I will experiment with meditation techniques. I will relax. I will have fun. I will allow the universe to provide. I am READY. Let the journey begin!
So, here's the thing. I have two months' worth of money left in the bank and no real job prospects. I look at myself in the mirror and I am a fat, wrinkled 34-year-old with a huge scar down my protruding belly. I have no permanent home, no white picket fence and no 2.5 kids. The bleakness of life overwhelms me and sucks me further into darkness on a daily basis. I seem to be unable to hold on to the beauty that surrounds me. I get fleeting glimpses and touches, but then I drift back into my hole. At this point, either I throw in the towel or grab my lovehandles and actually TRY living my dreams for a change. What happened to me? Where did I go wrong? I used to laugh all the time. I used to be fearless. I used to be free. After listening to me whine and cry for like the millionth time, my husband the other day told me that my problem is that I have no faith. I am FAITHLESS. I do not believe that I will be provided for. Therefore, I struggle and struggle and prove my own beliefs. It is is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It pissed me off but--like most things that come out of the Ricktator's mouth--it's true. I have always relied on myself, and not in a positive, small-town-girl-makes-good kind of a way. I take crappy jobs to make ends meet and I kick and whine constantly, even though I am to blame. I am scared to attempt anything above and beyond because not only am I afraid to fail but I am even more afraid to lose my dreams. In my silly world it is better to have dreams than to fail and have none, so I must keep them unattainable and out of reach in order to worship them. But I am TIRED. And I am ready to give up on this stupid way of being. It seems like it takes more energy to stay afloat than it should. I espouse all sorts of things to others but I secretly live in the opposite fashion. If I truly believe that the universe will provide and the law of attraction rules like I say I do, it is time to test the theory! I think....
After Rick called me out, I went to the beach and talked to the universe about my situation. Usually when I do this, I ask for a sign. So, I did. I asked the beach gods to show me an abalone shell if I am on the right track. Specifically I said: "if I am supposed to write my stories and make lots of money from them, send me a shell." Not two minutes later I looked down and there it was. An abalone shell. But here's the kicker--it was no bigger than my finger! Obviously meant for me, it was virtually impossible to see this teeniest, tiniest, luminescent shell among the rocks and sand on the beach. Nobody else would have spotted it. But I asked for it and I received it. The gods were having fun with me, I thought. They sent me a baby shell to match my baby spark of hope. Proved the law of attraction? Maybe. Nurture it, Rick said, see there's hope! Sure, I answered and I smiled blandly. But, could I sustain the spark? Did I really believe? Truth be told, not really. I was still scared to death that two months from now, I will be the dirty girl on the side of the road in Arcata with my poor dog on a rope, begging for change. Maybe by then I will have a nasty meth habit and some missing teeth, who knows? The thought made me grumpier than usual and forced me to drink hot chocolate all night long. Which of course makes me fatter. And then even more grumpy...why do I even ask for signs?
The next day I returned to the beach, once more in a downtrodden state of "Poor me, why is this happening to me? blah, blah, blah..." the tiny shell pretty much forgotten about. I asked again. Will I be ok? Should I really give it up to a higher power? Am I an idiot? This time, I looked down at my feet and there was another shell, ever-so-slightly bigger than the last. So, this is how I am taking it--either the universe wanted to let me know that yes, I am an idiot, or that I really need to LISTEN. In my heart I know the answer. And, no, it is not that I am an idiot!
And so we come to this, the beginning of my journey. Starting with this blog I am opening myself up to the universe. It occurred to me that I spend a lot of time asking for things. But, I brush them off as nothing once I get them! So, the experiment is to learn to LISTEN to and FOLLOW the universe. GO WITH THE FLOW instead of struggling upstream. I pledge from here on, for at least one year, I will make every and all effort to change my ways. I will experiment with meditation techniques. I will relax. I will have fun. I will allow the universe to provide. I am READY. Let the journey begin!
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