Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Goodbye and Good Luck
Well, it's been done. Topman is gone! After much fingerpointing, guilt, and blame, we have parted ways. Unfortunately, we will not be seeing much of the money spent. Hopefully we'll get some back, he has promised as such. We shall see. But, in the end, if I believe in manifestations of desire as I say I do, it shouldn't matter...
I was given a small chance to redeem myself for not laying down the law in my own life when Rick was unable to make the final "goodbye" call on Monday. Because he was busy with clients, I did it in his stead. I was really nervous but as it turned out Rick had truly done the dirty work and all that was left was for me to smooth out some edges and elicit promises of checks on their way. My fingers are tightly crossed on that account! But, like I just said, if it is time for my actions to speak as loudly as my words, it really shouldn't matter. Moving on...
Here's the funny thing about this end: As angry as I was, as betrayed as I've felt for two years, when it was all said and done I mostly just felt sad. I do, I feel SAD. Hearing topman's voice on the phone brought back a rush of emotions surrounding the beginning of this building journey. And it made me feel sad to let it all go. Sad for him, because I know that deep down he is a good guy with a wonderful vision for the world. And sad for me because things didn't turn out like I had envisioned. Two years later we're still trailer-living, out $15,000, and have no plans to build from. And, with our final conversation with topman I also realized that I (or we, since Rick is a part of this too!) really only have ourselves to blame and not Topman. True, he did not deliver on his promises of service. But, there have been so many conflicting emotions and fears around this building project, who's to say that it was not ME and RICK who kept this thing hanging in limbo? We didn't hound him the way we should have. We just complacently went through life in a semi-grumpy state of being, telling anybody when they asked that the architect was driving us crazy. But, secretly what if it was our own fear keeping us back? The idea is that life is your very own movie, right? So, if that is the case then I am the one writing the script. And, for some reason, I wrote it to fail this time. So, I am sad. Sad that I would do that to myself, and to topman.
But--in moving on, because I have to--we had our first real meeting with Doug yesterday and it was AMAZING! He brought out the scaled survey of our property and just started drawing and talking and after an hour we could actually SEE what this thing is going to look like. And that was a true first for me! A vision to hold on to. So, now it is time to say goodbye to Topman. Goodbye, farewell, good luck, and I am sorry. And it is time to let my fears go with that goodbye and to latch on to the glorious vision we were shown yesterday. Tonight as I go to sleep I ask only that I be given the strength to visualize this one to completion!
I was given a small chance to redeem myself for not laying down the law in my own life when Rick was unable to make the final "goodbye" call on Monday. Because he was busy with clients, I did it in his stead. I was really nervous but as it turned out Rick had truly done the dirty work and all that was left was for me to smooth out some edges and elicit promises of checks on their way. My fingers are tightly crossed on that account! But, like I just said, if it is time for my actions to speak as loudly as my words, it really shouldn't matter. Moving on...
Here's the funny thing about this end: As angry as I was, as betrayed as I've felt for two years, when it was all said and done I mostly just felt sad. I do, I feel SAD. Hearing topman's voice on the phone brought back a rush of emotions surrounding the beginning of this building journey. And it made me feel sad to let it all go. Sad for him, because I know that deep down he is a good guy with a wonderful vision for the world. And sad for me because things didn't turn out like I had envisioned. Two years later we're still trailer-living, out $15,000, and have no plans to build from. And, with our final conversation with topman I also realized that I (or we, since Rick is a part of this too!) really only have ourselves to blame and not Topman. True, he did not deliver on his promises of service. But, there have been so many conflicting emotions and fears around this building project, who's to say that it was not ME and RICK who kept this thing hanging in limbo? We didn't hound him the way we should have. We just complacently went through life in a semi-grumpy state of being, telling anybody when they asked that the architect was driving us crazy. But, secretly what if it was our own fear keeping us back? The idea is that life is your very own movie, right? So, if that is the case then I am the one writing the script. And, for some reason, I wrote it to fail this time. So, I am sad. Sad that I would do that to myself, and to topman.
But--in moving on, because I have to--we had our first real meeting with Doug yesterday and it was AMAZING! He brought out the scaled survey of our property and just started drawing and talking and after an hour we could actually SEE what this thing is going to look like. And that was a true first for me! A vision to hold on to. So, now it is time to say goodbye to Topman. Goodbye, farewell, good luck, and I am sorry. And it is time to let my fears go with that goodbye and to latch on to the glorious vision we were shown yesterday. Tonight as I go to sleep I ask only that I be given the strength to visualize this one to completion!
Thursday, July 10, 2008
UN-conquering Fear
I am sitting here, nervously pecking at the keyboard while my beautiful and faithful husband talks to topman-the-architect on the telephone next door. I can't believe he is doing it--I am so proud of him. Every unkind, naggy thought I've ever had in relation to Rick has been washed away, at least temporarily!
But, as I sit here nervously blowing air in and out of my mouth, the deep question I am pondering is this: WHY COULDN'T I DO IT? I'm stuck hoping against hope that we'll get our money back so that we can pay the wonderful new architect we have found (Doug Brown in Ferndale, CA) but also deeply concerned that my inability to suck it up and say what needs to be said to topman signifies some deep-rooted problem within. All the cards are going on the table but I couldn't put them there, I am still taking a backseat in my own life.
It's not that I am afraid to fire topman. It's more that I don't have confidence in my ability to get our money back. And we need it back. So, is this an example of good relationship partnering, using Rick's assetts to complement mine? Or, might it be just an excuse for not facing up to my crap? That's what I am after. And, perhaps it is a bit of both. The honest truth is, if I had oodles of money to spare and it were me and me alone, I probably would have sent Topman a short email firing him and let it go. Never having to deal with him directly or with the fact that I've shelled out $15,000 for NOTHING. I would let that part slide. And, that is just plain stupid. I might as well have SUCKER written on my forehead.
So, having said that...will me not calling topman be the fork in the road that sends me packing back to Fearland? Is it ok to have and admit weaknesses or do you always have to conquer them? That's the question of the day, folks!
Stay tuned to find out if Rick and Tamar get their money back so that they can pay the fan-tabulous Doug Brown and get their show on the road. I, for one, am rooting for us. Weaknesses and all.
But, as I sit here nervously blowing air in and out of my mouth, the deep question I am pondering is this: WHY COULDN'T I DO IT? I'm stuck hoping against hope that we'll get our money back so that we can pay the wonderful new architect we have found (Doug Brown in Ferndale, CA) but also deeply concerned that my inability to suck it up and say what needs to be said to topman signifies some deep-rooted problem within. All the cards are going on the table but I couldn't put them there, I am still taking a backseat in my own life.
It's not that I am afraid to fire topman. It's more that I don't have confidence in my ability to get our money back. And we need it back. So, is this an example of good relationship partnering, using Rick's assetts to complement mine? Or, might it be just an excuse for not facing up to my crap? That's what I am after. And, perhaps it is a bit of both. The honest truth is, if I had oodles of money to spare and it were me and me alone, I probably would have sent Topman a short email firing him and let it go. Never having to deal with him directly or with the fact that I've shelled out $15,000 for NOTHING. I would let that part slide. And, that is just plain stupid. I might as well have SUCKER written on my forehead.
So, having said that...will me not calling topman be the fork in the road that sends me packing back to Fearland? Is it ok to have and admit weaknesses or do you always have to conquer them? That's the question of the day, folks!
Stay tuned to find out if Rick and Tamar get their money back so that they can pay the fan-tabulous Doug Brown and get their show on the road. I, for one, am rooting for us. Weaknesses and all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)