Sensory Deprivation Tank

I have taken myself to a spa. I know, I know, I can't afford it. But I felt like I needed something to help me kick start my journey. So here I am. I sweated, I've been massaged and pampered, and I floated. Yes, floated.

When I booked my day I was pretty nervous about the floating thing. The ad says to "float effortlessly in an Epsom salt solution for the ultimate relaxation experience." It also asked me when the last time the weight of the world felt like a feather. Um, that would be probably never! So I figured this is GOOD. A light-free, soundproof room with a buoyant, 93.5 degree pool of salty water that makes you feel "weightless." Just the thing to clear the demons out of my head and get on with it already!

The funny thing is, in floating in the "warm, weightless" pool, I have never felt so heavy. I also felt cold. My boobs were exposed to the air and all I wanted was a blankie to cover myself with. I thought about putting a towel over myself but then I figured that would ruin the whole sensory deprivation thing. The idea is to relieve yourself of all external sensory stimulants and GO INWARD. The spa owner told me that many people feel claustrophobic the first time. She suggested perhaps music or a guided meditation. I didn't take her up on it. It's time to be my own guide I think. And my secret hope was that I would find amazing guidance inside myself--although, going into the whole thing I had honestly expected that perhaps a shark would materialize out of the ethers and eat me (I am irrationally afraid of sharks in any body of water). But that didn't happen. Instead I felt this enormous weight beneath me, anchoring my body down. But I stayed. For an hour. And the fear I'd been expecting to rise up and force me to open the chamber door and let some light in NEVER came.

Then a strange thing happened. In the middle of my time--or some time in the hour I don't really know when--I realized my eyes were open. It was the oddest sensation. I had closed them. And I had believed them closed as I drifted around with my anchor in the darkness. But, somewhere even as I felt weighty and present, I must have drifted into an altered state of consciousness. And as I shifted back into my body for a moment, I realized my eyes were open, staring at vast nothingness. Had I been blinking? I don't really know! My eyes didn't feel dry. What did I see? NOTHING. It was as if I were staring at the back of my closed eyelids. But beyond that, it was like I had been asleep. Because, at least for me, when I close my eyes awake I see dancing pinpoints of light and color. But now I saw only inky nothingness.

I have no idea what happened to me. I don't know if you'd call me a CHANGED person after this one little experience. But, I learned something new about myself. I am not as fearful as I thought I was. I stayed in the dark pool for an hour, no anxiety attacks, no irrational fears about a shark beneath me, none of that. I am STRONG!

And, I am definitely coming back! This time I seemed to have reached a state of nothingness. Pretty good progress for me I think. Maybe next time I'll get to a heightened awareness of somethingness!