I KNEW It...But I Blew It (Or, That Little Voice Inside)

In addition to everything else that is going on, my husband and I are two years into a major building project. In the beginning we set out with our rose-colored glasses to build the first and finest all-green, sustainable healing center/home for us the world has seen. Our vision was--and I guess still is!--to be both educational and relaxing, to help show people you can leave a small footprint on the planet AND live comfortably and luxuriously.

To get started we had to choose an architect and we had NO idea what we were getting into. We searched the Internet and found a few choice people that we liked and then sat on our hands for three, four months. Finally, Rick said "I know who I like, YOU choose who you like." So, I sat on my hands for another month or so and finally made a decision. Here was my dilemma--there was an architect I liked a lot, Peter, but he wasn't the "top" guy with his name splashed all over the place in the green building world. I knew Rick liked the top man, and even though I thought topman was too expensive and too flashy, I was afraid to follow my INTUITION and go with Pete. I figured Rick was right, I was wrong. And, the whole world seemed to be at the feet of topman, so who was I to go with Pete? Ignore that small voice inside...the rest of the world loves topman. So, there you go. Topman it is.

Our first meeting with topman was great! He came to our site, asked us questions, wanted to know what we were looking for. Rick answered "to bring the outside in" and I said I wanted something "whimsical." For some reason, it just struck me that it is important that the place I call home be a bit whimsical. I can't explain why, it just is. No problem, we'll be done by next year. Two years and $14,000 later we haven't even seen any definite plans! Our project manager quit and wouldn't say why, leaving us with sneaky suspicions about topman's office, and when we call topman he has this sort of bored, indignant tone in his voice like, "Why the heck are you calling me, I am busy!" and I feel like apologizing for wasting his time even though he is more than ONE YEAR late on our drawings!

Finally, Rick and I have come full circle and regrouped. We realize that it is time to cut topman loose and figure out a better fit for us, hopefully get some of our money back and move on, get going with the rest of our plan. Poking around on the Internet the other day, we found a few cool architects. And then, all of the sudden, there was Pete. The man I knew was our man two years ago. The guy who came to visit our building site without being asked--while on a family vacation even!--and never even charged us for it. We looked at his stuff, it was very cool. We learned that not only is he an achitect but he also operates a contracting/building company, something our present architect seems to know frustratingly little about. And then, there it was...Pete's mission statement. To create "spirited, green architecture with a sense of playfulness...and whimsical design."

Why is it that the little voice inside ourselves is the most honest, most RIGHT voice in the world, yet it is always the LAST one we listen to?

Making Up for Lost Time

I lost my watch. And it is a GOOD thing! See, I never wear a watch. I hate them. Somehow, having the time on my arm makes me all kinds of stressed out. I constantly fidget and look at my watch if there is somewhere I need to be in say, oh, FIVE hours. I nervously calculate what I have to do before this appointment, how much time each of these things will take me, how long it will take me to get to the appointment, etc etc. And I count down how much time left until I have to leave to get there. My entire day is spent worrying about the time, where it is going and how much there is left. I think it is a remnant from my childhood. With parents who were perpetually at least 30 minutes later than they promised all the time, I came to believe that punctuality is a responsibility and lateness is rude. If you are late it means you don't care. Something like that, anyway.

So, I wore a watch for a short time many years ago before I realized the nervous tics it created in me and haven't worn one since. But I bought a cheapy this year to help keep track of time for preschool. I put it on in the mornings before going to school and take it off immediately after school ends. And last week I lost it. With preschool coming to an end and the rest of my journey about to begin, I am excited--I LOST MY WATCH. The other day while sweeping the classroom I realized something my husband has tried again and again to pound into my head--I follow the SAME pattern over and over again. I graduated from college, didn't know what to do with myself and eventually went into teaching, which I hated pretty much from the beginning. Taking orders from other people and cleaning up after small children, not my favorite thing to do but something I somehow count on. Slowly I extracted myself from that world and found small success with educational writing. But, lo and behold when my major client disappears, what do I do? Instead of believing in myself and continuing on the writing path I take a job as a teacher. I spend another unhappy year taking orders from other people and cleaning up after small children. I buy a new watch.

When the simple realization dawned on me I almost laughed. Oh my god, what the hell am I doing?! Another one-year teaching career comes to a close. If I follow my cycle I am about to embark on a six-month stint of watching 90210 reruns and crying. Then I'll take some crappy-but-safe job that involves some writing for a few years, only to be followed by a banner few years where I break out on my own. Alas, if the pattern holds, this too will fall away and I'll have a complete freakout and another return to teaching. There will never be room for having kids, becoming successful, writing my own stuff!There will be a new watch and a new freakout every couple of years.I just can't do this again.

So, I lost my watch: Let the real me return and the future unfold!!!!

Soulful Dieting

Today is day nine of the mastercleanse detox, you know the "lemonade diet." In 10 days or less, the promise is that I will clean out years and years and YEARS of nastiness stuck to my innards. The result? A new, brighter, shinier, ME. Which is what I've been waiting for! Oh yeah, and there is a little added bonus--weight loss. Apparently Beyonce lost like 20 pounds on the mastercleanse before filming her movie "Dreamgirls." But, you know, weight loss is not my goal. Or so I keep trying to remind myself...

I know anorexia is not a subject to take on lightly, many people are hurt by this terrible disease. And yet, here I am, Day 9 of no food and the temptation to never eat again is LARGE! I've dropped 10 pounds at last weigh-in and seem to drop at least one a day. Three people today stopped me and said, "Wow, have you lost weight?! You look great. KEEP IT UP." Three. And I've only left the house for a half-hour thus far. Not a great thing to admit, having left the house for only a half-hour at 3:30 pm in a day, but who cares?--I look great. KEEP IT UP. What kind of message do I read there? That I was a fatter, more slovenly me than I had realized? That even though I had thought I disguised it, apparently I hadn't? Or, do I take the message literally--keep it up. Never eat again!

So, back to anorexia. Is it anorexia if you subsist on a cocktail of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water for the rest of your life? Is it anorexia if it is supposed to be GOOD for you to eat this and only this from anywhere between 10 to 40 days? Would it be anorexia AFTER those 40 days are up? And, the bigger, more important question--let's be honest, anorexia and any other UNDEReating problem has never really appealed to me--how unbelievably lazy am I that I'd rather forgo eating ALTOGETHER than have to exercise and stay away from naughty no-nos like chocolate to lose the rest of the weight I so long to say "So long!" to?! That is truly my question to ponder today!


If you actually don't know about the Master Cleanse because you live under a rock or in Siberia or somewhere even farther into the boonies than where I live, check out: http://mastercleansesecrets.com/