Are You Out There?

Is anybody reading this?

Goodbye and Good Luck

Well, it's been done. Topman is gone! After much fingerpointing, guilt, and blame, we have parted ways. Unfortunately, we will not be seeing much of the money spent. Hopefully we'll get some back, he has promised as such. We shall see. But, in the end, if I believe in manifestations of desire as I say I do, it shouldn't matter...

I was given a small chance to redeem myself for not laying down the law in my own life when Rick was unable to make the final "goodbye" call on Monday. Because he was busy with clients, I did it in his stead. I was really nervous but as it turned out Rick had truly done the dirty work and all that was left was for me to smooth out some edges and elicit promises of checks on their way. My fingers are tightly crossed on that account! But, like I just said, if it is time for my actions to speak as loudly as my words, it really shouldn't matter. Moving on...

Here's the funny thing about this end: As angry as I was, as betrayed as I've felt for two years, when it was all said and done I mostly just felt sad. I do, I feel SAD. Hearing topman's voice on the phone brought back a rush of emotions surrounding the beginning of this building journey. And it made me feel sad to let it all go. Sad for him, because I know that deep down he is a good guy with a wonderful vision for the world. And sad for me because things didn't turn out like I had envisioned. Two years later we're still trailer-living, out $15,000, and have no plans to build from. And, with our final conversation with topman I also realized that I (or we, since Rick is a part of this too!) really only have ourselves to blame and not Topman. True, he did not deliver on his promises of service. But, there have been so many conflicting emotions and fears around this building project, who's to say that it was not ME and RICK who kept this thing hanging in limbo? We didn't hound him the way we should have. We just complacently went through life in a semi-grumpy state of being, telling anybody when they asked that the architect was driving us crazy. But, secretly what if it was our own fear keeping us back? The idea is that life is your very own movie, right? So, if that is the case then I am the one writing the script. And, for some reason, I wrote it to fail this time. So, I am sad. Sad that I would do that to myself, and to topman.

But--in moving on, because I have to--we had our first real meeting with Doug yesterday and it was AMAZING! He brought out the scaled survey of our property and just started drawing and talking and after an hour we could actually SEE what this thing is going to look like. And that was a true first for me! A vision to hold on to. So, now it is time to say goodbye to Topman. Goodbye, farewell, good luck, and I am sorry. And it is time to let my fears go with that goodbye and to latch on to the glorious vision we were shown yesterday. Tonight as I go to sleep I ask only that I be given the strength to visualize this one to completion!

UN-conquering Fear

I am sitting here, nervously pecking at the keyboard while my beautiful and faithful husband talks to topman-the-architect on the telephone next door. I can't believe he is doing it--I am so proud of him. Every unkind, naggy thought I've ever had in relation to Rick has been washed away, at least temporarily!

But, as I sit here nervously blowing air in and out of my mouth, the deep question I am pondering is this: WHY COULDN'T I DO IT? I'm stuck hoping against hope that we'll get our money back so that we can pay the wonderful new architect we have found (Doug Brown in Ferndale, CA) but also deeply concerned that my inability to suck it up and say what needs to be said to topman signifies some deep-rooted problem within. All the cards are going on the table but I couldn't put them there, I am still taking a backseat in my own life.

It's not that I am afraid to fire topman. It's more that I don't have confidence in my ability to get our money back. And we need it back. So, is this an example of good relationship partnering, using Rick's assetts to complement mine? Or, might it be just an excuse for not facing up to my crap? That's what I am after. And, perhaps it is a bit of both. The honest truth is, if I had oodles of money to spare and it were me and me alone, I probably would have sent Topman a short email firing him and let it go. Never having to deal with him directly or with the fact that I've shelled out $15,000 for NOTHING. I would let that part slide. And, that is just plain stupid. I might as well have SUCKER written on my forehead.

So, having said that...will me not calling topman be the fork in the road that sends me packing back to Fearland? Is it ok to have and admit weaknesses or do you always have to conquer them? That's the question of the day, folks!

Stay tuned to find out if Rick and Tamar get their money back so that they can pay the fan-tabulous Doug Brown and get their show on the road. I, for one, am rooting for us. Weaknesses and all.

I KNEW It...But I Blew It (Or, That Little Voice Inside)

In addition to everything else that is going on, my husband and I are two years into a major building project. In the beginning we set out with our rose-colored glasses to build the first and finest all-green, sustainable healing center/home for us the world has seen. Our vision was--and I guess still is!--to be both educational and relaxing, to help show people you can leave a small footprint on the planet AND live comfortably and luxuriously.

To get started we had to choose an architect and we had NO idea what we were getting into. We searched the Internet and found a few choice people that we liked and then sat on our hands for three, four months. Finally, Rick said "I know who I like, YOU choose who you like." So, I sat on my hands for another month or so and finally made a decision. Here was my dilemma--there was an architect I liked a lot, Peter, but he wasn't the "top" guy with his name splashed all over the place in the green building world. I knew Rick liked the top man, and even though I thought topman was too expensive and too flashy, I was afraid to follow my INTUITION and go with Pete. I figured Rick was right, I was wrong. And, the whole world seemed to be at the feet of topman, so who was I to go with Pete? Ignore that small voice inside...the rest of the world loves topman. So, there you go. Topman it is.

Our first meeting with topman was great! He came to our site, asked us questions, wanted to know what we were looking for. Rick answered "to bring the outside in" and I said I wanted something "whimsical." For some reason, it just struck me that it is important that the place I call home be a bit whimsical. I can't explain why, it just is. No problem, we'll be done by next year. Two years and $14,000 later we haven't even seen any definite plans! Our project manager quit and wouldn't say why, leaving us with sneaky suspicions about topman's office, and when we call topman he has this sort of bored, indignant tone in his voice like, "Why the heck are you calling me, I am busy!" and I feel like apologizing for wasting his time even though he is more than ONE YEAR late on our drawings!

Finally, Rick and I have come full circle and regrouped. We realize that it is time to cut topman loose and figure out a better fit for us, hopefully get some of our money back and move on, get going with the rest of our plan. Poking around on the Internet the other day, we found a few cool architects. And then, all of the sudden, there was Pete. The man I knew was our man two years ago. The guy who came to visit our building site without being asked--while on a family vacation even!--and never even charged us for it. We looked at his stuff, it was very cool. We learned that not only is he an achitect but he also operates a contracting/building company, something our present architect seems to know frustratingly little about. And then, there it was...Pete's mission statement. To create "spirited, green architecture with a sense of playfulness...and whimsical design."

Why is it that the little voice inside ourselves is the most honest, most RIGHT voice in the world, yet it is always the LAST one we listen to?

Making Up for Lost Time

I lost my watch. And it is a GOOD thing! See, I never wear a watch. I hate them. Somehow, having the time on my arm makes me all kinds of stressed out. I constantly fidget and look at my watch if there is somewhere I need to be in say, oh, FIVE hours. I nervously calculate what I have to do before this appointment, how much time each of these things will take me, how long it will take me to get to the appointment, etc etc. And I count down how much time left until I have to leave to get there. My entire day is spent worrying about the time, where it is going and how much there is left. I think it is a remnant from my childhood. With parents who were perpetually at least 30 minutes later than they promised all the time, I came to believe that punctuality is a responsibility and lateness is rude. If you are late it means you don't care. Something like that, anyway.

So, I wore a watch for a short time many years ago before I realized the nervous tics it created in me and haven't worn one since. But I bought a cheapy this year to help keep track of time for preschool. I put it on in the mornings before going to school and take it off immediately after school ends. And last week I lost it. With preschool coming to an end and the rest of my journey about to begin, I am excited--I LOST MY WATCH. The other day while sweeping the classroom I realized something my husband has tried again and again to pound into my head--I follow the SAME pattern over and over again. I graduated from college, didn't know what to do with myself and eventually went into teaching, which I hated pretty much from the beginning. Taking orders from other people and cleaning up after small children, not my favorite thing to do but something I somehow count on. Slowly I extracted myself from that world and found small success with educational writing. But, lo and behold when my major client disappears, what do I do? Instead of believing in myself and continuing on the writing path I take a job as a teacher. I spend another unhappy year taking orders from other people and cleaning up after small children. I buy a new watch.

When the simple realization dawned on me I almost laughed. Oh my god, what the hell am I doing?! Another one-year teaching career comes to a close. If I follow my cycle I am about to embark on a six-month stint of watching 90210 reruns and crying. Then I'll take some crappy-but-safe job that involves some writing for a few years, only to be followed by a banner few years where I break out on my own. Alas, if the pattern holds, this too will fall away and I'll have a complete freakout and another return to teaching. There will never be room for having kids, becoming successful, writing my own stuff!There will be a new watch and a new freakout every couple of years.I just can't do this again.

So, I lost my watch: Let the real me return and the future unfold!!!!

Soulful Dieting

Today is day nine of the mastercleanse detox, you know the "lemonade diet." In 10 days or less, the promise is that I will clean out years and years and YEARS of nastiness stuck to my innards. The result? A new, brighter, shinier, ME. Which is what I've been waiting for! Oh yeah, and there is a little added bonus--weight loss. Apparently Beyonce lost like 20 pounds on the mastercleanse before filming her movie "Dreamgirls." But, you know, weight loss is not my goal. Or so I keep trying to remind myself...

I know anorexia is not a subject to take on lightly, many people are hurt by this terrible disease. And yet, here I am, Day 9 of no food and the temptation to never eat again is LARGE! I've dropped 10 pounds at last weigh-in and seem to drop at least one a day. Three people today stopped me and said, "Wow, have you lost weight?! You look great. KEEP IT UP." Three. And I've only left the house for a half-hour thus far. Not a great thing to admit, having left the house for only a half-hour at 3:30 pm in a day, but who cares?--I look great. KEEP IT UP. What kind of message do I read there? That I was a fatter, more slovenly me than I had realized? That even though I had thought I disguised it, apparently I hadn't? Or, do I take the message literally--keep it up. Never eat again!

So, back to anorexia. Is it anorexia if you subsist on a cocktail of lemon juice, maple syrup, cayenne pepper, and water for the rest of your life? Is it anorexia if it is supposed to be GOOD for you to eat this and only this from anywhere between 10 to 40 days? Would it be anorexia AFTER those 40 days are up? And, the bigger, more important question--let's be honest, anorexia and any other UNDEReating problem has never really appealed to me--how unbelievably lazy am I that I'd rather forgo eating ALTOGETHER than have to exercise and stay away from naughty no-nos like chocolate to lose the rest of the weight I so long to say "So long!" to?! That is truly my question to ponder today!


If you actually don't know about the Master Cleanse because you live under a rock or in Siberia or somewhere even farther into the boonies than where I live, check out: http://mastercleansesecrets.com/

Free Money

The government is sending me money! It was a bit of a shocker, the government and I aren't exactly buddy-buddy. But, I went to the post office the other day to find a letter from the IRS waiting in my mailbox. Nervously I tore open the back, all the while wondering if they finally caught me for any little fudges I might have made on my taxes. But no, there it was, a simple note saying that with their sincerest apologies I somehow did not receive or did not cash a check for $1300.00 two years ago and that they wanted to reissue me a new one. Now, here was the catch...I had to call the IRS to get the check.

I looked at the letter for about five days. Do I call? Do I not call? What if it is a trick! In the end, I decided to call from my friend's phone. That way, if I needed to hang up they could not trace my phone number--as if they don't know everything about me anyway. But there you go, now you know the deep, dark secret about me. I am a paranoid government-phob.

So, anyway, I made the call and five minutes later hung up the phone after being told the "check would be issued tomorrow." I can't believe it! It is like cash from heaven. And, not two days later I received another letter, this time from a company I do some work for. They said that I had not cashed a check for $68 in 2007 and wanted to reissue THAT check to me, too!

One might chalk these unexpected windfalls up to my lack of business organization. You might be able to argue that I lost the checks and don't keep good record of my finances. And, you might be right. But, I personally am attributing it to the UNIVERSE!!!! It's been told to me that the universe will provide if YOU get out of the way and let it. As all two readers of my blog know, my small but steady paycheck is about to disappear and I am on a path to find this faith. Each step I take is a crucial one in the journey. Do I panic and go find some crap job in town? Do I grow medical marijuana like every other Tom, Dick, and Jane in my valley? Or, do I walk the path of enlightenment and follow my dreams, letting the universe provide?

For today, at least, the Universe has won.